On Being A "Chatty Cathy"

I'll admit it, I rely on talking, historically, quite a bit, and my friends will say I'm going easy on myself by putting it that way. Fact is, these days, I'd rather listen. Perhaps as I approach age 60, my mind is undergoing some changes; at any rate, I often find that talking can be very hard mental work. That's because as I interact, now that I'm a little better attuned to the signals I get from my interlocutors, I now more easily detect signs that I can't run this talk "my way," that I've gotta make it shorter and sweeter than I was starting to, or I'll lose this person's support, if not her full attention. And these days, honestly, I care more about HER attention than his, meaning my buddies that I spend time with. Why? Because I'm feeling fully available these days, and I don't mean vis-à-vis guys, no I'm looking for what the French call "une amie." And the person I'd most like to get really close to appears NOT to be a big fan of talking, certainly not at length. So I really have to master this art, particularly the part about coping with so-called "awkward silences," and "pregnant pauses." It's more about being comfortable in your own skin, I think, than anything else, and I'm on a quest to master this thing.

But I really enjoy spending time talking with good friends, and some of them are an absolute delight to gab with, and I have a particular few buddies who really make it worthwhile. However, this can be bittersweet, because some folks appear to have a penchant for even longer stem-winders than me, and they're not apparently conscious of the same kinds of "conversational decorum," I guess you'd say, as I clearly now am. This refers to such things as talking on the (cell)phone, and I guess this started to become an issue for me with the advent of mobile phones, since I only rarely spent much time on the phone with anyone, and that would usually be a relative or parent. With cellphones, we're ON the phone more often than we were before, I think. The phones, at least the ones I've had, are small (I don't have a smartphone, can't afford it), thus difficult to cradle between head and shoulder, so unless the headset is in use, one arm is taken up, and the ear starts to get sore after a while. So, I've changed: I now avoid lengthy phone conversations, and have started to develop some mini-diplomatic skills around ending talks that start growing long teeth.

But one friend, whom I honestly love dearly (real men can easily admit this), is starting to pose problems for me as a listener. Generally, meaning during ALL our talks. I kind of don't like me when I'm getting antsy and cutting in on him, trying to leap ahead to the point, finishing thoughts for him, because he's "gifted-smart," and my doing this is rude and presumptuous. Furthermore I'm often wrong about the point he's trying to make when I nudge at him. A solution may perhaps be found in the theory I've started to develop that says, "Al, you'll be a much better friend to this guy, especially in conversation with him, if you can get him to try to modify the level of detail that he's always ready to dive into, which is a HIGH level." And I think of this guy, and he HAS actually replied to me (when I was already starting to fumble with trying to moderate his talking): "Well, Al, if you didn't want to hear what I thought about this, why'd you ask me about it?" But still, just today, I was having a private side-conversation with myself as I listened to him, where I said to me "Yes, I DID ask about that, but I don't need to hear ALL the sociological and historical details going back to the last century ABOUT that. I wish he'd give me ONE point -- THAT HE REALLY CARES ABOUT -- and give it short and sweet, and then wait, and explore my reply to see if I want more." 

Yes! I DO believe that's the answer. I'm grown-up enough now to be able to say to my friend, "Buddy, sometimes you wear me out with all those details, it's too far into the weeds. Together, toGEther, mind you, let's practice the short first answer, then listen for further interest; if there's none, let's move on, or shut up." That's respectful, not too harsh. Ok, I'm gonna start gettin' ready to deliver that one. Happy Thanksgiving, folks!!!!